January 3rd, 2020
Some days I’m mad, flat out angry and invested in my anger. I feel an attack on my rights, my personhood and my capacity to be free and sometimes that pisses me off! I hold it. I feel it. I look at it. And then, I work it through. I don’t ask anyone for validation about my anger, I am where I am. But I didn’t grow up this way. And for many years of my life, I didn’t believe I could be righteously angry. I thought it was a foreign concept to be anything other than appeasing.
Let me first take you back to where I started. As the youngest child in a very large family of siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles and extended family friends I was the “shy child.” I later became the people pleaser. I didn’t rock the boat. I was scared to be in the boat. I remember my dad telling me once that I was scared of people. Wow! That’s quite a proclamation. Did I believe that? I wonder today if I used to identify with what he said because for a large part of my life I couldn’t get angry at the events that hurt me. And as a result that repressed anger made me sick.
As a kid, I was often physically sick- I had so many ailments as a child, from asthma to bronchitis and pneumonia several times, to colds and flu’s, and undiagnosed allergies. Then I grew up and experienced myself as a person with a lot of anxiety. There were many times as a woman in my 20’s that I wanted to just lose my mind on people- go off, tell them like it is, all of that but I couldn’t or wouldn’t. I felt trapped. I thought I would alienate people and thereby be all alone. But, thank God for age and wisdom because after my mid 30’s hit I began to change. I began doing things that brought on small levels of fear and my mother’s constant projected worry, yet I did them anyway! I did things like international traveling on my own and going out to dinners by myself and experiencing spontaneous moments with people I’d meet so that I could create new memories in my body; memories that would replace the traumas that I once owned and feared.
Today, I am a mature woman and I own my shit! I finally feel good in my skin and I like who I am! From the small girl with the big eyes and pigeon-toes to the statuesque woman I am today I salute everyone and everything that made me who I am. I hope this blog inspires young women and men to be everything that they are made of.
What scares you right now that you avoid doing? Look for 1 thing in your life today that you aspire to become. Write out every detail of your idyllic lifestyle. Then create a collage of places, people, and ways you would be living (eating, socializing, learning) if you stopped letting fear disable you. Once you’ve completed it add the collage (pic) to your phone’s screensaver. Every time you complain, forget, have regrets or compare yourself to someone who is doing what they love ask yourself this question: If I died tomorrow would I have lived a fulfilling life, designed with the plans I had in mind? Start right now with a new lifestyle goal (e.g. I will start a new book within 24 hours; or I will open a new bank account by Monday; or I will plan my next continental trip by the end of the week) and 2 realistic, short-term action steps that will enact 1 step every 2 weeks for the next 30 days that will get you closer to your goal. No excuses. Let’s go!
*This blog is about becoming free. It’s a reflection of introspective thoughts and experiences that have crossed miles of self-discovery. I created this blog to inspire others to live life with less self-criticism, judgment and openness to new experiences. May you find that you learn how to live a life by design and on your own terms!*