Why Are Women Still Single and Feeling Bad About It?

For a lot of people in New York the first Saturday night of the month used to be spent bar hopping, clubbing or going to Target First Saturdays to light up the dance floor. Now, we sit in front of our phones waiting for the virtual Saturday dance parties at Club Quarantine with DJ D-Nice to commence. Who would have thought when this year began this is what it would look like? Well, that’s life; unexpected, strange, and serendipitous!

Asha Tarry
Asha Tarry, Life Coach

Instead of being disappointed about where I wanted to be last weekend, I spent first Saturday in my bedroom watching the HBO special, “Mama, I Made It!” the Yvonne Orji comedy special about her bi-cultural Nigerian and American roots. Yvonne, like so many black women in their 30s (and above) was sounding off about the “struggle” to find a quality relationship. She didn’t sound like she hasn’t tried—she dates brothas from different walks of life, and at different times in her life, from when she was financially challenged, to now when she’s more financially secure—and still, she has yet to find her “Prince Charming” if there is such a thing.

Is that it? Is it that women are searching for something that’s not out there? Are standards scaring men away? Or are all the desirable people in relationships with other people and cheating on them?

These questions have run amuck through the minds and mouths of so many cultured, smart and beautiful women, yet where are the answers? I have a few things I’d like to offer you some time to sit with:

      1. What are your current beliefs about relationships? Are you eager about feeling “completed” by a romantic love or are you being told that you’re reaching an “age” where you should be married or partnered? Are either or both questions coming from you or someone else?

      2. What kind of man is your father? Write down to the very minor details of what you know about him. Was your dad mentally, emotionally and physically present for you when you were growing up? Or was he there in physical form, but emotionally absent? Did your dad make you feel good about yourself or are you discovering now as an adult that you are going through battles with your worth or self-esteem that you hope a relationship will fix? What do you think about “why” it is valuable for you to be partnered?

      3. And lastly, are you taking dating advice from people who are in the same boat as you, or complaining that there aren’t enough good (fill in the race or gender category here) people out there for you?

As these thoughts and possibly feelings spark more awareness, journal about it. As you do, add affirmations or what I like to call proclamations, to your practice of self-awareness (I proclaim that I am worthy of being loved unconditionally!) Think about what you want to clear from your mind, your spirit and your attitude about relating to yourself and to others. Write down what you want your vibrational energy to feel like and be. Then create a few bright colored sticky notes or index notes on 3-5 new beliefs you want to create in your mind about healthy love, romance, and physical as well as emotional availability. If you need more support in this area, download my new FREE worksheet on self-compassion as a way to begin healing wounds about the past troubling experiences you’ve had, while you simultaneously profess and proclaim what you are beginning to get ready for. I’m excited just thinking about all the good things that are about to come your way!

*This blog is about becoming free. It’s a reflection of introspective thoughts and experiences that have crossed miles of self-discovery. I created this blog to inspire others to live life with less self-criticism, judgment and openness to new experiences. May you find that you learn how to live a life by design and on your own terms!*

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