Grief is the loss of a significant person, event, or concept that can create tremendous pain and sadness for the bereaved. Grief is an experience that’s hard to talk about, but it’s also harder to live with. And as these complicated, and multiple crises continue to test our tenacity there are a few ways I wanted to talk about what to do about your grief. I created a short list that I call “3 Things To Do With Your Grief” as an introduction to the education we all could use about healing grief. Feel free to send me a note on IG or an email and let me know what was useful about any of this.
To begin…
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- Believe your grief. If you have experienced the loss of a parent, a child, a pet, a job, income, health, ability or anything else that was meaningful to you, including the fantasy of what you wished could be you may be feeling sad, depressed, anxious, sleepless, restless and possibly other types of confusion, anger or physical pain. If in your own mind you are able to accept that this is now your life—one in which has a void—it’s okay to feel any of those things I just mentioned, at any given time, in any given place, and also without warning. You don’t necessarily need someone else to deny your experience, you may be doing it yourself. If this could help, look back and pause and notice how you’ve been functioning. It may be somewhat different, or significantly different. Believe yourself and listen to your body and what it is telling you. Then breathe, write or seek support in your bereavement so you can continue living.
- Be patient with your grief. It may be hard to accept that your grief could be enduring. You may want it to end so desperately that you criticize yourself for feeling down. Or someone judges you for crying or being angry that what you lost can’t be here with you anymore. In February, I was interviewed on NPR Life Kit discussing how to help bereaved parents coping with pregnancy and infant loss. One of the questions I was asked was related to how co-survivors can assist grieving people and it’s to be patient with their process. Let them do whatever they need to do to cope (as long as it’s not harming themselves or someone else). It’s not your process and it’s not your place to judge when and how they heal. If you worry that they aren’t able to live beyond the grief then suggest a professional mental health provider or a grief support group. We all need to do better at taking each step a little slower and with more compassion with loss.
- Share your stories of grief with others. One of the things I hear when people have experienced grief is that they felt so alone in it. They didn’t talk about their grief. They were ashamed that they may have been “grieving unsuccessfully.” That’s partly the pressures the mental health and medical systems have projected onto people when their grief has endured beyond 6 months. Well, that’s unrealistic and uncaring. A lot of people right now are going to work every day, raising their families, living in the world and still feel a heavy heart. And on holidays they may spend it alone or with others while enduring the pain of their loved ones being gone all over again. Most times, people have ignored them after a few months, forgotten about their loss or have stopped considering what it’s like to be in that other person’s shoes—they’ve lacked empathy. Subsequently, many, many people have remained silently depressed over their loss. If there’s anything I would suggest we do differently is to write down the dates or keep a momento of someone that was important to us or our friends and family so we can check on them at holidays, before holidays, and around celebrations and other transitions too, including happy transitions.
- Believe your grief. If you have experienced the loss of a parent, a child, a pet, a job, income, health, ability or anything else that was meaningful to you, including the fantasy of what you wished could be you may be feeling sad, depressed, anxious, sleepless, restless and possibly other types of confusion, anger or physical pain. If in your own mind you are able to accept that this is now your life—one in which has a void—it’s okay to feel any of those things I just mentioned, at any given time, in any given place, and also without warning. You don’t necessarily need someone else to deny your experience, you may be doing it yourself. If this could help, look back and pause and notice how you’ve been functioning. It may be somewhat different, or significantly different. Believe yourself and listen to your body and what it is telling you. Then breathe, write or seek support in your bereavement so you can continue living.
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If this has shed light on your situation, or someone’s situation you know, please share. I am always curious about what stuck.
Until next time…
Asha
*This blog is about becoming free. It’s a reflection of introspective thoughts and experiences that have crossed miles of self-discovery. I created this blog to inspire others to live life with less self-criticism, judgment and openness to new experiences. May you find that you learn how to live a life by design and on your own terms!*