Are you someone who falls in love quickly, but you tend to be surprised by the person you commit yourself to? Have you wondered why you continue to attract people that do not meet your standards of a meaningful relationship? There’s a lot of unconscious things that occur in our everyday lives. We can get better in touch with what those things are when we remain consistent with our self-development. We can do that in a variety of ways.
It’s not uncommon that a lot of adults unconsciously attract people who are not their ideal. Most times what we see and hear are the idyllic things about ourselves and others, not the flaws and the mishaps we have. Seriously, who would want to know those things in the beginning? You may say you do, but if that is true do you think you would invest more time or interest in getting to know someone’s unattractive qualities, if so?
Let’s be honest. Sometimes, the things we want to believe about other people are the things we’ve fantasized about but never actually experienced. Or, the qualities that we have yet to attain on our own that we hope someone else will bring to the table. Instead, what we could be doing while we prepare to be loved and loving outside of a relationship include:
-
- Doing things we love because those things give us joy, e.g. hobbies, going on an adventure, or a learning a new skill like cooking, another language, photography or creating art
-
- Strengthening our relationships with our family because those reflect the pain points in our life that will show up when we are in a relationship
-
- Developing consistent patterns of behaviors that will benefit our well-being, so we don’t rely solely on our relationships to help and heal us. For example, doing various types of physical fitness, going to therapy, taking care of your home, reading more books and listening to self-help podcasts. Here’s a new fave of mine– Transforming Trauma podcast (Found at narmtraining.com)
-
- Continuing to stay connected to other communities we care about from our friends, to our professional networks and places we volunteer
Remember, relationships are about relating to ourselves while also relating to those we’re with. Do you find yourself to be an interesting person? Does it matter if you or your partner is able to communicate their needs effectively without constant help? What ways do you communicate compassion, empathy, kindness and love?
Much of what we learn earlier in life informs our views on what we expect or what we do in an intimate partnership. Yet, if we open our minds to being curious about ourselves and who we connect with we can be present to all the nuances that come with relating to one another.
What I suggest asking yourself the next time you go on a date, whether that’s with someone new or someone you’re already in a relationship with is this: How do I contribute to the health of my present-day relationships? (Hint: Include yourself 1st, then add your other significant ones after that.) If after careful exploration you can’t answer that on your own, seek insight from those you trust. Work to remain open to their feedback. If you’re willing to let us support you and grow from what you’ve learned come back and share it with the Village here!
*This blog is about becoming free. It’s a reflection of introspective thoughts and experiences that have crossed miles of self-discovery. I created this blog to inspire others to live life with less self-criticism, judgment and openness to new experiences. May you find that you learn how to live a life by design and on your own terms!*